“Not a good fit…”

I’m hearing a theme among many people seeking executive coaching. There is a theme among people losing their form of employment. “You’re not a good fit…” which is just a bad reason. In addition, when someone is not a “good fit” you are saying something about them is wrong, but there is no clear reason. Good fit for what?

If they were told what they needed to work on, they can modify the situation. The bottom line is the employer is too much of a coward to say they have a problem with the person and they would rather start the process of recruiting, selection, training and on-boarding another employee in hopes to find a “better fit.”

Most employers don’t take the time to find the right fit in the hiring process. As I have said before, the lack of time in reviewing applications, or relying on keywords to narrow down the pool of candidates, the canned interviews is a formula for selecting a car, not an employee.

“Not a good fit” is the politically correct way to say we don’t want you here. It says nothing of one’s performance, unless it’s how some employers tell people that their not catching on quickly.

In the employer’s defense, no they don’t need to give a reason in an at-will position. The problem is that no one learns. I have said in many a conflict resolution lectures, people can’t fix what they don’t know. If you are in a relationship and suddenly your partner calls it quits without a reason. Quite naturally you’re going to wonder what went wrong. How did I fail? What did I do? At least with the “it’s not you it’s me” the person takes the responsibility of saying they aren’t happy.

Fortunately, there are things like Glassdoor and find out unbiased information and ask questions. It’s the Yelp for job hunters. Some employers read the statements; whether they make changes is unknown.

I don’t know if it’s old school, employment/labor laws and regulations that prevent honest disclosure but even if a person is doing a poor performance, let them know. If they work too slow, and you don’t point it out, they will go through the whole hiring process again and find they are eventually let go. That sucks for the employee as well as the potential employer by wasting their time. It’s expensive to hire and fire someone, but if you are going to hire someone, invest in them. It takes time to “fit in” anywhere that is new. Job, skill, routine, etc. all take time until it feels comfortable and confidence sets in. People are so afraid to not pass probation that they are robots the first year or two just to keep their job.

Employers want the best candidate, but they don’t give interviewees an opportunity to sell their soft skills along with their ability to do the job. Soft skills can’t be trained, it’s worth it to get people who have the ability to work well with peers and a willingness to learn. When you get the person with the skills you are seeking, but don’t have the soft skills, you can destroy your whole division. *listen close* You can’t train soft skills! I have done the train the trainer, and it’s rubbish. People are who they are and that’s fine, not everyone is easy to work with. But how will their personality fit in with the company’s current mood? There is a place for everyone, but when employers hire, they are trying to get the perfect person that they have in their mind or something close.

If you lose a position, due to the “you can’t sit with us” mentality, good! They aren’t a good fit for you. Would you want to work 40 or more hours a day around people who are trying to make you into who they want you to be? We’re adults, we want to do our job, provide for ourselves/family and have autonomy. Likeability is fluid. Remember, not every rejection is a reflection. Sometimes people show you their insecurities in other ways…

Why do you do this?

I worked with a client today who had several felonies. As a favour to a friend, they needed to get him “on track.” See this is why if someone is mad at you that does not support you emotionally, financially, spiritually, then let them stay mad. He came in wanting to get a job but his background was a mess.

We did our business,  he left with instructions to follow and if he has not had a return on his investment within 60 days or at least a response from the court, he comes back. People need to know the laws and their rights. In California non violent offenders can apply to have their charge(s) reduced to a misdemeanor. It’s easier to get a job, apartment etc. when you don’t have a felony. He was not a sex offender either so depending on his “issues” I can direct him to resources I’ve collaborated with before.

What I didn’t understand is the girl at the front desk who greets and assists clients. I don’t work out of there and she’s new but the few times we’ve spoken, she is a devout Christian. I guess if I compare, my acceptance of God/Christ, I would be a heather. She asked me why I help convicts and people who are in trouble. I should let them suffer because they make poor decisions.

I was gobsmacked! I thought we were to love the sinner and hate the sin. I held back my thoughts, but I did ask her if she felt judging without knowing the situation was fair? The clients don’t come to get a lecture, they come for help. The courts, society, God, or whomever dealt with them and they don’t come to me for a lecture. Counseling/guidance is provided with respect to their decisions. For instance, if someone has had multiple dui’s, failed rehab several times, and come to me, I can’t help them. They have a pattern of addiction and I don’t get involved because I don’t understand relapse, sponsors, etc. so I am not best suited. If a person needs to get their life back on track, I can help them but if they have an addiction to drugs or alcohol, there are people who have experience and can’t understand that addiction doesn’t “disappear” even with a long-term of abstinence and I don’t want to feel like they wasted money or that I failed to provide adequate assistance.

When I asked why this reformed Christian would never hire a felon her answer was that they were felons. I asked why she felt so strongly and it comes down to personal issues. I said that it sounded like she was projecting and we agreed to disagree.

My thought is that if  everyone who ever did something stupid or made a poor decision(s), then we would have a society of people with arrest records or convictions. An arrest is not a conviction. An arrest can result and often does with no charges. Arrest simply allows officers to detain a person for suspicion of criminal activity. If you get pulled over and you didn’t appear for a traffic hearing, you have a warrant, which means you, by societal standards, should be labeled a convict. Point is we break laws all the time. Jay walking, driving over the speed limit, or what about moral turpitude? Dishonest people can’t be trusted. Have you ever told a lie? Telling someone they look nice when you don’t agree, or you’re on your way. It’s all semantics.

Why do I do my job? A) I’m good at trouble, B) I’m good at getting out of trouble, C) I have resources, C) the government needs an opponent

Let it go!

So you know how the kids are throwing the word “hater” almost as much as “bully” around? I have to deal with a 44-year-old woman who posts half-naked photos ALL over social media. Most women don’t give Abby* compliments, and she leaves rants indicating that women are hating/jealous of her. Of course, the knights come in and cosign her with “They’re jealous of your body….” “Women are so mean to each other…” as they give her likes, leave flirtatious statements, and massage her ego into oblivion.

First of all, I’m mediating your divorce and these photos were not part of the deal if you want the “support” you are asking for. You can’t play “single mom raising boys because her husband was a cheater” victim and put this up let alone, why are you selling homes in clothes that say selling self? No, I’m not jealous. It’s more of, just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I would never do business in a bandage dress and heels. I help people who are hitting or have hit bottom and need to revamp, start over and put the pieces back together. If I’m looking like I’m going to twerk instead of negotiate, I don’t deserve anyone’s business let alone trust. I spoke to Abby when she calmed down and she is trying to change. When I told her I wanted to use her as an example of what not to do she was hurt I didn’t include her name so she could get “friends/followers” and I wanted to terminate her but I understand what she’s doing.

Sometimes when we are rejected, we tell the world we are so much happier without that horrible person in our lives. But we forget that we still wonder why that person hurt us, or why we weren’t good enough. It’s called fishing. Fishing for compliments. Abby knows she is attractive, but at a certain age, it’s easier to pull a muscle than a date. We aren’t in the same environments. In our twenties we are much more social. We are at sporting events, clubs, bars, dating, etc. but in our 40s we tend to settle down. We don’t want to be in bars chasing tail. It’s not easy to balance parenting and partying so when a person finds themselves single after many years, they remember how easy it was when they were single before. Or how things were before they were with the person they are separating from.

The unfortunate thing is, it looks desperate. It’s not sexy, it’s not flirtatious because when you post a photo half-naked in heels to other adults who know you as the business person or mother taking the kids to school. This is something your teens do to flirt with their crush. We don’t like when they do it, and we should only be sending it to the person we are dating at least. With technology, you take a risk. You can always have your identity compromised and photos stolen or taken without consent, but when you use technology, you are at the mercy of whatever company that manages your data. People have their personal information released. Hillary Clinton and her emails. Jennifer Lawrence and her nude photos. It happens but mating calls on social media look desperate but people are kind. Rather than say it looks desperate, they think it and lose respect for you. Not to mention a simple search that reveals this will tell a potential mate that they are potentially getting involved with someone who needs attention and lacks maturity. You are better than this, no one can convince you that you are worthy. Finding self-worth comes from within.

 

*name changed to protect the anonymity of someone who doesn’t wish to be anonymous.

Weight a Minute…

I guess it’s jet lag, but reading an article like this is really confusing. I selfishly don’t care about how another adult treats their body if they have no mental impairment. Tess is aware of her weight and celebrates it. It’s earning her a great living and lots of exposure no pun intended. We are not the number on the scale, we are more than our bodies, burn your bras, blah, blah, blah…

BUuuuut…let’s play devil’s advocate. Would we celebrate this? That’s a rhetorical question, I know we would not praise her and there would be a boycott for any sponsors who dare promote this model because she is a “bad example” for young girls and objectifies women (i.e. Victoria’s Secret).

So, for morons like me, what grants being overweight as a positive role model and women’s empowerment and the underweight as triggering for eating disorders? The articles I’ve read about this woman, refer to her as plus sized, but medically she would be morbidly obese. Of course, you can be obese and healthy but you can’t be underweight and healthy? Some women are genetically or medically thin as are those overweight due to thyroid or genetic disposition.

I’m going to say it, “political correctness.” We assume that thin people don’t see the word skinny as pejorative and it’s to be lauded. But, when you get to know people who are “skinny” and saving to get butt injections, breast implants, etc. to obtain curves, does that not have the same effect as losing weight and obesity?

Why are we not supposed to call a spade a spade? Tess has a beautiful face. She has a great disposition about her body and her supporters are starting a movement called “effyourstandards” to empower overweight women and change the modeling industry. Go team!!

I wonder why Gabourey never got signed to Milk Modeling Agency? They are approximately the same all things equal. Oh, but one is black. Come to think of it, where are the Pacific Islanders since they are usually tall and built big, but are in shape. You mean there’s never been an obese model that was Asian? Why has Tess been such a hit in the modeling industry as if there were never any obese models, wait, “plus sized” available?

Again, could be jet lag or it could be that other women weren’t as persistent. I am intrigued by her success, she is 5’5 or shorter, began modeling later in life and is working steadily. Or, it could be that I read about the new food labeling guidelines and wondered why the push on nutrition? We either think obesity is an epidemic worthy of forcing businesses to comply or we view obesity as fat acceptance. The loser is the small business owners and corporations who have to suffer the cost to remind people what is healthy in bold font. That is the part that annoys me. We police average Jane/John about their eating habits but we mustn’t say anything about obese models or we are “fat shaming.” I can’t keep the guidelines of political correctness since people still refuse to call me black or give me a proper title being that I am English and not African-American. Who can give me a hand African English? How about AfBritish, yeah I prefer black but getting people comfortable rolling that off their tongue in fear of offending me is a struggle.

How did we get to the point that we can’t call a spade a spade. Plus sized is size 4 and above in the modeling world because designers make sample sizes. So a size 26 as a sample size is the new normal? This is more than just a cover of People magazine, this is setting a precedent worldwide. The funny thing is, I read that Ms. Holliday has never dated an overweight male. What about plus sized men?

 

Surviving Social Settings…

Let me start off by saying I come from a very strict background. In my house, there was no “yeah” when called, it was “yes,” or “yes ma’am/sir” but if I weren’t in crisis management, I could open an etiquette class that would be a current day Downton Abbey. Yes, there are families who have rules for supper, place settings, how to eat, how to be excused and the proper way to toast and thinking about it makes me wonder why I didn’t stay at the kids’ table.

I don’t know if it’s the advancement in information technology but some people don’t have social iq’s. There is nothing worse, than politely blowing someone off who doesn’t catch the hint. Once I get the smile that looks like I opened a birthday with no money in it, I’m done. Please excuse yourself because the conversation is at that lull where we rant out of small talk and I don’t want to know more about your job, kids, day, weekend plans, etc. Why don’t these people get the hint when your conversation fades that means we were polite, but not interested in discussing anything that matters unless it’s how we all got suckered into attending a social setting we don’t really want to be at but for networking, business, committment, etc. we are doing our version of shake hands and kiss babies.

Please note: There are some things that are never acceptable to ask when networking. I’m still shocked when people ask me questions like, “How old are you?” Okay, that stopped during the MySpace era with Age/Sex/Location. I’m over 18 so I’m legal and I’m over 21 so if I have a drink I’m also legal, other than that, what’s the point? You are putting me on the spot, not because it’s a secret, but how does this work when you’re among middle-aged people. I remember being asked my age and adding 1/2 because it made me seem older. Or, when it was cool to be able to drive, or my 18th birthday when I registered to vote, bought cigarettes and signed my own check to mark the milestone. I didn’t even smoke. At 21 I was over partying so I think I spent it with friends and never told them it was my birthday since among them I was the youngest but I do recall being such snobs we refused to attend anything that was 18 and over. We were not wanting to look at the color of everyone’s wristband to judge them. Cool kids go to cool clubs.

Another type that annoys me is the person who no matter how softly you speak to them, they are damn near shouting. Okay, you’re telling me background about people here that I don’t know but you’re so loud it’s making people turn and look over and then give me the fake smile that says, “I was just wondering who was shouting, now I see, carry on.” Even when I say “Shh it’s rude to talk about people at a level that they can hear it.” She responds by doing the other annoying thing, “Tony, doesn’t care,” still loud but then shouts, “Hey! Hey Tony do you care if I talk behind your back.” Out of kindness, Tony glances over trying not to be rude to the person he’s conversing with to smile, wave his drink and say, “No, feel free.”

Of course, someone is going to give me a left-handed compliment. You know the, “Beautiful turtleneck. It hides your double chin.” I don’t have one but I always have someone tell me that I look like someone I look nothing like. Do people think they are giving compliments or is it because they want me to be self conscious? I don’t care where I go someone wants to compare me to their ex, some Z list celebrity, a person either twice my age, size or is annoying. Why? I have been many places but I have never looked at another person and said, “$#!*  you look just like me!” It hasn’t happened, if I had to I could not think of anyone I resemble. I can say that having a narrow, petite form and big hair makes me resemble a mop or Q tip, but never seen my doppelgänger.

The sales people are the best. They are the fun ones. They have ego written all over. They will tell you what they do, how amazing their vacation was, who they know that is semi or simply famous. They don’t stop talking. They come up for air, but then they simply elaborate on one of their stories about when they were in Turks and Caicos, or when they had floor seats to a Bulls game when Jordan was playing. I like them because they don’t care about anything you have to say unless it’s to one up you. I play with them just to see how far they will go to one up me.

How to survive? Keep moving! When someone approaches, it’s okay to get the basic intro but when it has the paradigm switch, excuse yourself. “Would you excuse me?” and don’t offer more. For example, “Would you excuse me? I need to go to the restroom.” “Oh good idea, I’ll come with you!” We feel the need to explain but I’ve been dodging people for years. I do whatever I committed to and when it’s not beneficial, I leave. You make your appearance, acquaintance and exit. If you connect with someone, get their business card because discussing in-depth blocks your opportunity to make acquaintance with various people who may have something to offer you. Being socially inept does not mean they have nothing to offer you. They may know a great mechanic, have experience with a company you are interested in, or knowledge about a subject or connection you seek.

The way to avoid discomfort is to politely smile and excuse yourself. Yes it is that simple!

There’s nothing wrong with you!

I’ll be so happy in 48 hours and the semester is over. Working full-time, law school and other responsibilities are killing me.

I was listening to a client and there are times when I don’t understand why people come to me. It’s a blessing that people trust me enough with there problems, but I’m not Tonight, a lovely woman in her 30s or so was troubled because she met someone who seemed perfect on paper, of course there are flaws no one is 100% perfect by I digress. She kept saying,”What’s wrong with me that I’m not interested?” o___O How about, You’re not interested? There doesn’t always have to be a reason. I think we are so used to having other people tell us how we should live, feel, aspire to be etc. that when we stop long enough to realize that we have that thing we are supposed to obtain and we have no emotional attachment something must be wrong.

I never had that, but I do sometimes wonder how life would be if I made other choices. Rather than crisis management, what about a full-time blogger? I would make my career out of writing, sharing, connecting, posting, tweeting, updating and nah. I love writing, but if I am forced to do something it’s work. Amen to those people who blog for a living. I love reading their expertise and use many to make decisions on purchases or get information to assist my daily struggles. I need adrenaline. I enjoy problems because the challenge of how to spin it, motivates me. Not because I want to see someone in turmoil, I rather see if I can help salvage their career, reputation, and help them look within to determine if there is a character defect or if it’s a case of “oops!”

I think for her the idea of being a woman who wanted to be a bachelorette was intimidating. Her family is first generation Italian and family is a big thing. She was always independent, loves kids, but doesn’t want to have them and enjoys dating and having her freedom. I can’t find a reason to tell her to “fix” that and look for something in her past that may have lead her to feel this way. Why? There doesn’t have to be a reason to be who you are. When you try to do things because that is what you think you are supposed to do or to get people to leave you alone, is when I say, “I would rethink the reason you’re considering this.” We don’t owe anyone reasons for why we want to live the way we do. If you aren’t breaking laws, hurting others or yourself and you are content coming home to just you and your books, television, stereo, etc. then so be it.

I know it’s hard to be firm with people because some people either want you to be as miserable as they are, have a problem accepting you don’t need their advice, and that you can be happy living life the way you please. Trust me, not every person who has children are happy. Out of guilt, they may say they love their family but in the back of their mind, they wonder how things would be if they didn’t have kids. When someone asks, “Do you regret not having children?” simply say, “No, do you regret having them?” and compare notes. If someone is asking you about kids, is it because they think children bring happiness? If so, that’s the wrong motive for having a child. One should be happy and feel they have something to offer a child and want to love that child regardless of how it develops. If it’s healthy, developmentally disabled, has a rebellious stage or is homosexual. There are no guarantees.

Today my father went on about his age and when he’s gone … I told him, there are people much younger than him that never lived to see their 21st birthday. There is no rule that says children will outlive their parents. Great parents can have a sociopath son or daughter and rather than accept it, they will wonder what they did wrong. I wish more of my peers looked at raising a child as a big responsibility that isn’t simply 18 years, you are going to be a part of that child and their children and so on. I commend people who can do that, they have my utmost respect, but I know I am not in that space and by age 30 something, the statistics lean toward problem pregnancy so it can’t be selfish on my part.

What do you think? Are we supposed to want the marriage and kids? Is it as fulfilling as they say? I want to know your opinion!

Own it, and keep it moving!

I see this all too often and I get second-hand embarrassment each time. I was in the lobby waiting for my client <~sounds kinky…and the guy at the reception area must have done something wrong. You know the snitch-suck-up-pay-attention-to-me-I-know-everything type walks up with a folder and points out things this guy must have had an oops!

You know how people say never argue with a pig, you both get dirty but the pig likes it? When you are dealing with the know it all, here’s what you say……

OKAY

Then kindly walk away or get back to what you were doing. Nothing you say to this personality type will ever be right. Even if you say, “you’re right” they will continue and if you have an honest excuse, let it go. For example, “Oh, Jane told me to do it that way.” Now it’s on. “Why did Jane …..?” “She doesn’t know how to do ….” Now you have tension between two people and you feel silly. That’s the truth of this blog, I have done everything wrong. I used to get hired and fired in the same week. Caught shopping when I was sick, Lie for a co-worker, there are plenty of things, and then I got into politics and public relations. That’s where I had days where I wondered, “Where’s Doctor Kevorkian when you need him?” But I’m still here.

Back to Angry Betty or Jane whatever her name might be. It will annoy her to death because she anticipates an excuse and then she can feel entitled to humiliate you at your desk until she feels her verbal scolding hit home. When you say, “okay” she/he loses their power. You can’t argue with that. You didn’t commit to agree, you didn’t tell her/him they’re right. It will eat her alive, but what can anyone say? “I hate John, I pointed out something he did wrong and he said okay!” Go to the supervisor and tell them you did something wrong and all you said was “okay.” It is one of the top ten rules during damage control. Silence can never be misquoted. The less said the less rumination in your head, worrying about getting on someone’s bad side. Don’t fall into that trap. We all make mistakes even Sgt. Know it all. People like that have internal angst it’s not yours to worry about, so don’t own it. Okay?

 

The truth about EEOC

In the context of “things I wish I’d known before…” learning about civil rights in the workplace, when it comes to sexual harassment and things of that nature, it’s gotten a bit more intricate than I knew before.

A client we’ll call Jane* and she was facing a Skelly Hearing. Jane works in public service and she made the mistake of thinking that the EEOC was an advocate of the individual regardless of their situation. The employer’s EEOC is working to protect the employer. Jane didn’t report her coworker for sexual harassment, it was a situation of third-party. Jill* felt Jane was being harassed because Jake gave her compliments which seem harmless, “You are looking good!” or “Wow, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”

What Jill didn’t realize was that Jake had known Jane when he and her father was stationed overseas. Jane was in a 12 step program to deal with her binge eating disorder that almost led her to gastric bypass. Jane had lost 90 pounds working the 12 step program.

When I spoke with Jane, I told her that she had to cooperate with the investigation, but not to offer anything. Tell the truth, be polite, but don’t feel the need to explain. Investigators are fact finders. First and foremost, people by nature want to explain ourselves out of what seems simple, but once a charge is filed, there is no way to put the genie back in the bottle. The less you say, the less they have to investigate. Jill is going to spill a lot, don’t counter those claims, as that makes the investigator have to potentially call in other coworkers. I’d like to say this is a simple process, but it’s humiliating, scary, embarrassing, and overzealous. Third party reports were not for nosey people to get involved, Jill could have told Jake she was offended but then she would look nosey. Better to tell her boss and complain hoping Jake would be asked to bug off, but when you complain that you are offended by something that falls in a grey area with respect to sexual harassment, the manager has to notify human resources.

Human resources isn’t worried that Jill or Jane are offended,HR does not want a lawsuit. They may seem to be acting “in your best interest” but they are hired to protect the company. If you want to talk, don’t talk to them because if they feel it’s affecting your work, they are in attack mode. They have to prove that the stress you have, or the effects of the compliant have been handled. It sounds complicated, but I was one of those who thought if I was concerned about something that didn’t “feel” right, I could run it by the Civil Right’s Office or EEOC and get their “perspective.” Wrong! They are trying to be one step ahead and will sound the alarm the moment I left thinking it was a quick chat in “confidence.” My bad?

I was called in to an office where usually two people were sitting with notepads to “revisit” the conversation I had with “x” on (exact date and time). I’d like to say it doesn’t affect the workplace but somehow, other people find out. Gossip spreads like wildfire in a dry forest. The whispering, the isolation, the “curious” stares, and sudden concern from people who never spoke to you before is intimidating. Don’t fret, and don’t get sucked in. Go about your day, you did nothing wrong, and you can’t protect everyone, anymore than you can please them. You may even question Jake, but that is a result of the constant questions. You may think you did something wrong. You know yourself, be true to yourself. Jake will take care of Jake, you owe no apologies, there’s nothing you can do. If you start feeling guilt, stress, anxiety, contact a therapist, journal, or try any person who isn’t likely to inadvertently discuss your situation.

Again, it’s not that the EEOC isn’t a bad thing. I don’t know how we got here, but this is why men don’t complement women. Sexist? Sure, in that a woman can compliment another woman and it’s seen as innocent. A man can compliment a man unless an openly gay man compliments a straight man, but we have gotten such that we are an easily offended society. See, it can be either harassment or flirtation, but the idea that someone can give a compliment without there being an ulterior motive is preposterous. Maybe it’s the ERA, maybe too many frightened employees being harassed but fear losing their job. We’re here and you must know your rights, who you can trust, and how to protect yourself!

 

*names have been changed

Social media sucks…

kinda. I get that we can “connect” with our loved ones, we can share memes, saves gas, Facetime our heroes, blah blah blah…

I have gotten so I can’t discern real from surreal, advertisement or honesty, and it sucks. I’m naturally a cynic but when I start questioning my route in life because education was mandatory and I spend 365 24/7 damage control and see people my junior who are earning six figures to promote a lipstick without needing any formal education. Granted good looks and a bright personality helps; but social media status is like gold. It’s all about numbers. If you are good at making a digital presence, I highly recommend building your numbers and marketing yourself. I can write a whole post on the good and bad of internet stardom; however, this is about me.

My issue is that I have been put into a cyber identity and it’s not actual. In college I found it funny sitting in lecture waiting for the professor and students are making small talk in front of me, then one turns to me and says, “What kind of channel do you have? Seriously? I can barely keep up with all these case briefs and assignments what would I do with a channel?  Fast forward to today, and now I’m asked to find them on LinkedIn or Facebook. I’m still waiting for all those “I’ll call you,” promises from when we used our phones to talk and not text.

I don’t take social media as serious as many of my mates. I can’t stand when people assume I am on Facebook every day. “Didn’t you see my post?” If something important happened in your life, I don’t think of social media as a way to keep track of people. I don’t like the responsibility of making sure I’ve not missed a post, picture, tweet, etc.

Think about it, the people who created these platforms, didn’t have many social engagements or friends. Self proclaimed nerds in Silicon Valley were socially awkward but mad intelligent. So now everyone else is also socially awkward because we’ve forgotten how to have conversations, we prefer texts over voice.

Unfortunately, you can’t unring a bell. I have to accept this is the way forward. I’ sure m my parents thought email was the fall of mankind and they survived. I did find that there are people who like to interact with humans such as Meetups and some people like to be around others to play sports, work out, shop and attend various social activities. How do you deal?  Or, are you one of those that knows how to streamline your accounts so that you’ve kept in the loop? Do you really need to give your lunch a photo shoot?

He’s a sex addict!

There is something about weakness that makes my eyes want to pop out of my head. Everyone has a weakness but something about women who think they can “fix” a grown man who lived quite well prior to her in his life.

All men aren’t dogs and women cheat and can give people a run for their money at being scandalous. I have a client who is in a relationship that’s 80/20 in terms of balance. Why accept so little? What about pride and self-worth? No one should be involved with anyone who doesn’t respect them. Not romantically, not acquaintances, nada! Life is too short to play build-a-bear with an adult.

I knew a long time ago she was seeing a cheater, but from experience, it never bodes well to attempt to provide insight. I compare it to sports. As a spectator we see the whole field, therefore when a player makes a move and gets tackled we get tense/frustrated? But our field of view is seeing the whole, the person in the game only sees what is in front of them.

The think about sex addiction, it can be misunderstood as someone who just wants to be “promiscuous” but the difference is that this man is putting himself in harm’s way, he’s angry, he’s resentful, he’s ashamed and it’s cost him embarrassment, friendship, employment, financial hardships and now his relationship is shaky. It’s one thing to have a fling, flirt or even an affair, but when someone needs porn, bizarre fetish sites, casual encounters and gets arrested time and time again, there’s a problem. I don’t understand sex addiction, but I get that it’s not pleasant to be a slave to your vice. When you are downloading x rated material on company equipment, or on first name basis with undercover agents for being busted. In some states, if you urinate in public and are caught, you may be forced to register as a sex offender. All pedophiles are sex offenders but not all sex offenders are pedophiles but with moral turpitude, we think the worst.

If you are involved with a sex addict, you need to admit that the relationship is not healthy. It’s not going to “go away” and that person will get creative at trying to keep you but how many times can a person get hacked? Why is he still on Tinder or other sites? You want to think his promises are sincere and they may be; however, you put yourself in danger. When people are in their addiction, they don’t think logically. The idea of protection, or discretion is elusive to an addict. A cheater is dumb, but may be cautious enough to sneak, and calculative so I stress there is a difference.

Let’s dicuss the reasons people stay and live in denial about their partner in Part Two!