Lyin Ryan….

So, where or who is Ryan Lochte’s publicist? I know I am the type available 24/7 but that’s the life I chose. I make my life by taking care of yours.

What would I have done? Ryan Lochte has never been one to follow rules. Athletes travel a lot, but they are often given restrictions and curfews. In other words, keep your ass in the hotel we are Olympians, set an example and if you must party do it in your hotel, confiscate cameras and let someone on your management team know. It’s not like babysitting, just hey, “I’m having guys night in…” Your manager will tell you its a terrible idea, but you put it out there and that’s when they start damage control just in case. We are hired to protect your brand and part of your brand is your image. publicists are paid to do whatever is necessary to make you look good. You don’t have to be a prude for a client, you may be advised to not do something, but if you speak it our job is to have a plan B.

Anyone who thinks Lochte is a saint, is naive. Americans  are brilliant because they make winning look easy. They are on press junkets, Late Night interviews, posting on Snapchat, Twitter, etc. all at the same time they are winning gold medals. That’s another post, but. My take is these guys are still high from their win, in a new and intriguing town, “Why not try Tinder?” I mean have you noticed the hometown of some of the world’s top models *cough Giselle cough Alessandra* etc. Maybe he swiped right? He asks where the good-looking Brazilian women (Matthew McConaughey) are and decides to take his homes out on the town and pull.

Well, that’s all well and good, but somehow he didn’t wear his halo or even a hoodie. You have to know you are in Rio, carnivals, festivals, Avicii, tourists, etc. are among the general population. Dude, that hair needs to be in cognito and use and Uber. American swimmers stand out like prostitutes in church. They don’t blend in. Of course, someone is either going to discover you, or challenge you, but this is hypothetical.

Something went wrong they created a story, but it’s 2016 and social media, cameras and opportunists are on the rise right now. You are an Olympian who was allegedly robbed in another country while a historic event is happening. When you do wrong, always, and I mean always go for the simple truth rather than the complicated lie. You have to be pathological if you are going to lie. Live it, breathe it, repeat it and if necessary, lawyer up. You can only be questioned so often until the cracks start to show. In addition, there are too many people involved. Two guys keeping a story, is tough, three guys is a set up for, and four is a definite fail. Too many variables. Not everyone can lie well.

How about we try my version.”Some of the swimmers from the American Olympic team wanted to celebrate their team’s victory. Against, there better judgement, they decided to venture from the hotel for a few hours and an incident happened.” Well, sure, but we have photos of them doing “insert naughty behavior here”, and these are public figures. Don’t you find it irresponsible of them to (party, drink, Tinder) during and Olympic event? “As I said, the men had just won several gold medals for their country and were caught up in the moment and not the consequences. It’s difficult to be in the mindset of an Olympian from a press or journalist perspective. Much like if you win a gold in Pulitzer, as a writer, a nice dinner would maybe suffice; however, some want to celebrate and I guess hotel food and television didn’t alleviate the adrenaline, and there’s only so much Snapchat you can do. Thanks for your understanding and appreciate your concern.” PERIOD! No one talks to the press until a statement has been made. The press are cheeky bastards, they are the holier than thou at the moment, devil’s advocate if you will. They understand, but their job is to be the voice of reason. Feed them their story and shut  up, another story will be transpiring, after all someone is losing, someone has an under dog story, etc.

Always remember to have one petite female on your team. When facing a pack of reporters, it looks like bullying and that turns the attention from the reporters as fact finders to cockroaches. We still remember that Lady Diana would still be here if it weren’t for people in this field, so this isn’t the time for the stone cold man with th e rbf and deep voice. Those are best for on the field, you need a publicist that people want to like. Give them an honest reply and move on.

I speak this from experience on both sides. When trouble happens, own it and when explaining it less is more. Less is always the preferred option!

“Not a good fit…”

I’m hearing a theme among many people seeking executive coaching. There is a theme among people losing their form of employment. “You’re not a good fit…” which is just a bad reason. In addition, when someone is not a “good fit” you are saying something about them is wrong, but there is no clear reason. Good fit for what?

If they were told what they needed to work on, they can modify the situation. The bottom line is the employer is too much of a coward to say they have a problem with the person and they would rather start the process of recruiting, selection, training and on-boarding another employee in hopes to find a “better fit.”

Most employers don’t take the time to find the right fit in the hiring process. As I have said before, the lack of time in reviewing applications, or relying on keywords to narrow down the pool of candidates, the canned interviews is a formula for selecting a car, not an employee.

“Not a good fit” is the politically correct way to say we don’t want you here. It says nothing of one’s performance, unless it’s how some employers tell people that their not catching on quickly.

In the employer’s defense, no they don’t need to give a reason in an at-will position. The problem is that no one learns. I have said in many a conflict resolution lectures, people can’t fix what they don’t know. If you are in a relationship and suddenly your partner calls it quits without a reason. Quite naturally you’re going to wonder what went wrong. How did I fail? What did I do? At least with the “it’s not you it’s me” the person takes the responsibility of saying they aren’t happy.

Fortunately, there are things like Glassdoor and find out unbiased information and ask questions. It’s the Yelp for job hunters. Some employers read the statements; whether they make changes is unknown.

I don’t know if it’s old school, employment/labor laws and regulations that prevent honest disclosure but even if a person is doing a poor performance, let them know. If they work too slow, and you don’t point it out, they will go through the whole hiring process again and find they are eventually let go. That sucks for the employee as well as the potential employer by wasting their time. It’s expensive to hire and fire someone, but if you are going to hire someone, invest in them. It takes time to “fit in” anywhere that is new. Job, skill, routine, etc. all take time until it feels comfortable and confidence sets in. People are so afraid to not pass probation that they are robots the first year or two just to keep their job.

Employers want the best candidate, but they don’t give interviewees an opportunity to sell their soft skills along with their ability to do the job. Soft skills can’t be trained, it’s worth it to get people who have the ability to work well with peers and a willingness to learn. When you get the person with the skills you are seeking, but don’t have the soft skills, you can destroy your whole division. *listen close* You can’t train soft skills! I have done the train the trainer, and it’s rubbish. People are who they are and that’s fine, not everyone is easy to work with. But how will their personality fit in with the company’s current mood? There is a place for everyone, but when employers hire, they are trying to get the perfect person that they have in their mind or something close.

If you lose a position, due to the “you can’t sit with us” mentality, good! They aren’t a good fit for you. Would you want to work 40 or more hours a day around people who are trying to make you into who they want you to be? We’re adults, we want to do our job, provide for ourselves/family and have autonomy. Likeability is fluid. Remember, not every rejection is a reflection. Sometimes people show you their insecurities in other ways…

It doesn’t define me so it won’t confine me

When people ask me how I bounced back from rock bottom, there is no one answer. I wish I could say all those memes, like posted worked, but they do in theory but in actuality, it was there was nothing to lose. When you lose everything, unless you give up, you can’t stay stagnant. When I started new jobs after each termination, I had to start at the bottom, and work my way up. I did that by being humble, and staying busy. When you make a certain amount of money, have comfort in material possessions, and then have to apply for unemployment or benefits, it may be a first world problem, but it sucks. It’s surreal and very depressing. I was too embarrassed to talk to my former colleagues, my family, anyone but God. Even then it was venting or questioning.

I did a few geographics and that gets old too. I wanted to punch the next person to say anything that ended with “again“. You’re moving again? You got another job again? People ask questions for two reasons, they sincerely care or are interested, or they know they answer but it’s better to hear one say the words. For instance, when only two people are in the house and person #1 says to person #2, “Who left the glass on the table?” Loaded question, it’s sarcasm at its most annoying.

There will be people who will throw your past in your face. That is something to never respond to. NEVER! If a person cares sincerely, they’ve forgiven, accepted, moved on, etc. There is no reason to say, “If you hadn’t…” or “Well at least I didn’t…” This is why when I hit bottom, I only dealt with people in my situation. Going to career centers rather than meeting friends for lunch or drinks. Taking classes even if it meant applying for a grant, and focusing on doing well. It’s too hard to feel like you must be guarded or fear the questions. When one is vulnerable, it’s best to protect your mental health.

The odds are in your favor that you recover. If you couldn’t then how did you get to where you were? I can’t think of one person who lived their life perfectly. If we wore our sins on our foreheads interviews would take on a completely different tone. So, mentally think of that as opposed to focusing on your flaws. People can get cocky, or the power goes to their head which is fine, but when one’s vulnerable having someone give the judging you look, or the “So, explain how….happened?” It would be cool if you could say, “The same way you cheated on your wife. Poor decision-making.” Or, “We all fall short, I won’t be the first to “x” and the only thing I can do is learn from it. If I tell you I will never make another bad decision in my life, I would now be lying. Should I carry the burden forever because most people serve ten years for murder and I only hurt myself in this situation and I have moved on. I would hope that the mistake does not imply I am unworthy of bouncing back stronger.” Making excuses only upsets people and perpetuates the problem. Ask any person in a position of power and they will tell you, it’s not the mistake it’s the not accepting responsibility. When you own it, you kill the horse. Anyone who piles on from there is just beating it. If you acknowledge and move on, the discussion stops. “It’s part of my past.” The only reason someone who knows nothing about it asks is nosiness. If a girlfriend of mine got a DUI, I know what it means, I know how it happens, so the only thing I can do is listen. If he/she has a problem with alcohol, anger, etc., I can offer support, but if they don’t offer information, there’s no need to ask. Someone drove whilst over the legal alcohol limit. There may be a huge story such as I didn’t have my phone and was stranded, I was fighting with my husband grabbed the keys, or I f*cked up. The end result is the same. I can either be supportive or nosey and because I too have skeletons, I choose to let the legal system punish them. We are curious by nature, but when potential employers or people who don’t really know you want the details, it’s to judge. Either the story is plausible to them, or it’s to probe. You can’t fix yesterday, but it doesn’t need to become a habit or character trait.

Why do you do this?

I worked with a client today who had several felonies. As a favour to a friend, they needed to get him “on track.” See this is why if someone is mad at you that does not support you emotionally, financially, spiritually, then let them stay mad. He came in wanting to get a job but his background was a mess.

We did our business,  he left with instructions to follow and if he has not had a return on his investment within 60 days or at least a response from the court, he comes back. People need to know the laws and their rights. In California non violent offenders can apply to have their charge(s) reduced to a misdemeanor. It’s easier to get a job, apartment etc. when you don’t have a felony. He was not a sex offender either so depending on his “issues” I can direct him to resources I’ve collaborated with before.

What I didn’t understand is the girl at the front desk who greets and assists clients. I don’t work out of there and she’s new but the few times we’ve spoken, she is a devout Christian. I guess if I compare, my acceptance of God/Christ, I would be a heather. She asked me why I help convicts and people who are in trouble. I should let them suffer because they make poor decisions.

I was gobsmacked! I thought we were to love the sinner and hate the sin. I held back my thoughts, but I did ask her if she felt judging without knowing the situation was fair? The clients don’t come to get a lecture, they come for help. The courts, society, God, or whomever dealt with them and they don’t come to me for a lecture. Counseling/guidance is provided with respect to their decisions. For instance, if someone has had multiple dui’s, failed rehab several times, and come to me, I can’t help them. They have a pattern of addiction and I don’t get involved because I don’t understand relapse, sponsors, etc. so I am not best suited. If a person needs to get their life back on track, I can help them but if they have an addiction to drugs or alcohol, there are people who have experience and can’t understand that addiction doesn’t “disappear” even with a long-term of abstinence and I don’t want to feel like they wasted money or that I failed to provide adequate assistance.

When I asked why this reformed Christian would never hire a felon her answer was that they were felons. I asked why she felt so strongly and it comes down to personal issues. I said that it sounded like she was projecting and we agreed to disagree.

My thought is that if  everyone who ever did something stupid or made a poor decision(s), then we would have a society of people with arrest records or convictions. An arrest is not a conviction. An arrest can result and often does with no charges. Arrest simply allows officers to detain a person for suspicion of criminal activity. If you get pulled over and you didn’t appear for a traffic hearing, you have a warrant, which means you, by societal standards, should be labeled a convict. Point is we break laws all the time. Jay walking, driving over the speed limit, or what about moral turpitude? Dishonest people can’t be trusted. Have you ever told a lie? Telling someone they look nice when you don’t agree, or you’re on your way. It’s all semantics.

Why do I do my job? A) I’m good at trouble, B) I’m good at getting out of trouble, C) I have resources, C) the government needs an opponent

Will you accept this…

bullshit? I have an hour and a half of downtime right now. I watched the 4th quarter of the NBA Finals then channel surfed. Hmm…not many options. Alas, I finally found the show The Bachelorette. OMG! Are you serious right now? This is a thing? Well yeah, but I do work too much or have my head in the books.

I have seen bits and bobs and rumblings by way of rag mags, but I thought it was a contest for money or something. You know, make someone fall head over heels in love with you, get them tp propose and you win. Similar to a succubus or some manipulation.

These people are dead serious about marrying someone they know nothing about other than what they have been informed by producers.  This woman seriously got shorted. I looked at their occupations and there was an erectile dysfunction expert, hipster, male model, consultant, and a bachelor superfan. In other words, unemployed.

That’s fine, as long as they live comfortably who cares what their title is. However, discovered some of the bachelors have been: a doctor, a prince, and other upper echelon titles. In everyday life, we don’t fall for the titles we can jazz it up if need be But if one is going to do a reality show and put themselves out there, why not select some with jobs that would be interesting, maybe a politician, race car driver. There are enough basketball players, musicians, doctors on reality television. Let’s see the cameras follow a senator or mayor.

The goal is to get married! They are all vying for one person’s heart. This is serious but typing it sounds insane. At least in Dating Naked or Millionaire Matchmaker it’s for fun and ratings. These people get very competitive. The ones who don’t get a rose actually sob in the limousine. They don’t just shed a tear, whimper or cry, they are legit sobbing. They describe how they would have been so perfect together, they were the one and all of these dreams for the future. Are you serious?  These people would be better on Love at First Sight. It makes no sense for someone to fall in love with someone who you have been sharing with two dozen other people. There would be very little time to get to know someone. They truly believe they are going to marry someone from a television show.

I don’t know about that style of courtship but apparently it’s been on for several years consistently, almost like Monday Night Football. To be fair television is supposed to be entertaining, and I would imagine this to be very, very entertaining, but I guess it was shock to discover its end goal. I could go on with my observations but I am not really politically correct.

 

When did “Hi” become a contract?

I guess I need to get out more, or this is poetic justice for all the times I was a brat to boys whilst in primary school. I wanted to watch the NBA Finals but if I watch it at home, I’m interrupted and then I am too enabling to tell someone I have something I need to do. Or, the phone is meant to be a quick question as I hang up an hour and a half later when I know I was a sounding board.

It was a pub where I would know no one and I have never been the type to have fear of going anywhere alone. In fact, I much prefer it. No “where do you wanna go?” “doesn’t matter, what do feel like…” They have none of the drinks I enjoy so, I just ask for the special of which there was none.

I know people have their jobs, friends, personal stuff going on, but I get nervous when people I don’t know stare at me. It makes me uncomfortable. However, I try to do things that are outside of my comfort zone as often as I can. This night, when people would look at me, not glance, but hold eye contact, I would give a small smile. Not grin, not Cheshire, or anything over the top just my lips upturned and look away.

Here’s where I lose the current custom. Why did some people keep staring and others think I wanted marriage? I literally told the barmaid, “I was thanking you for your hospitality, not trying to get a date.” When I leave a place, I tip well, and say thank you. That’s it! I always thought it was common courtesy. But when I say, “Hey thanks and have a good night” I don’t expect. “I kinda have a girlfriend.” I didn’t ask for all of that and how does one “kinda” have anything? Kinda have a cold. Kinda broke. These are easy because there are no gray areas. You may be coming down with something, but not kinda.

Gentlemen, I know you hate when you compliment a woman and worry about human resources calling you into the office, but do we just exist now? How do people network, discover new places or get perspectives if they stay in their safe circle and fear befriending people. Say I was interested, I may like his smile, or want someone to tell me where some other local pubs are or a fitness center. I had never been nor seen that place or anyone there. I hate that the night ended that way because a night out watching the game, sent me home with an attitude. What if I thought he was good-looking? Well, I would have simply said, “you have a great smile or you seem like a nice guy” and leave it. If I asked to take him out, he would be well within his right, but I simply was saying thank you. It’s good business. I learned tips meant to insure proper service. My father said if you do the staff a solid, they are more likely to remember you and you might get a good table, or take less hustle to get a drink. You want to leave knowing that you would be welcomed and not one with a bad impression.

I am going to pause on my social experiment because I have a sharp tongue and don’t want to be hurtful. You know something like, “If I were going to hit on anyone here it would not be the staff.” Hospitality industry is like a soap opera, whereas office/corporate jobs are like the Office. So, how do I greet people who are patronizing me or vice versa. When my tea is brought out say nothing and not acknowledge this person has dealt with customers and their moods all day not to mention the failed tips, and complaints from the boss? No, I admire those who do a job I was terminated from several times. It’s not my thing, you have a deadline for a proposal to be signed by the Governor before close of business and I can do it, but that customer’s always right on a bad day means I will only take so much.

We would not need online dating if when we came across others, we smiled or even said “Hi.” Think about all the people you pass whilst being “too busy” for dating. Not in clubs or bars, but the pharmacy line, grocery store or cafe. You mean you have never seen someone who looked nice, or you overheard happens to be in real estate and you are or know someone who may be looking to buy, rent, lease space. In my job, I always need someone with a trade or skill that I lack. When the car breaks down, who can I trust as a mechanic? I have a client facing criminal charges, who’s the best? Or, Starbucks is good, but are there places that have great coffee and poetry? No? Well may I give you my card and if you hear of something let me know, thanks. Simple. No executor or notary public involved.

In short, ease up. Like we said in middle school about the Jonas brothers and their purity rings, no one wants to shag you anyway. If someone approaches you nicely, the odds are that they aren’t going to rob you or stalk you. Those people tend to have a different approach.

Let it go!

So you know how the kids are throwing the word “hater” almost as much as “bully” around? I have to deal with a 44-year-old woman who posts half-naked photos ALL over social media. Most women don’t give Abby* compliments, and she leaves rants indicating that women are hating/jealous of her. Of course, the knights come in and cosign her with “They’re jealous of your body….” “Women are so mean to each other…” as they give her likes, leave flirtatious statements, and massage her ego into oblivion.

First of all, I’m mediating your divorce and these photos were not part of the deal if you want the “support” you are asking for. You can’t play “single mom raising boys because her husband was a cheater” victim and put this up let alone, why are you selling homes in clothes that say selling self? No, I’m not jealous. It’s more of, just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I would never do business in a bandage dress and heels. I help people who are hitting or have hit bottom and need to revamp, start over and put the pieces back together. If I’m looking like I’m going to twerk instead of negotiate, I don’t deserve anyone’s business let alone trust. I spoke to Abby when she calmed down and she is trying to change. When I told her I wanted to use her as an example of what not to do she was hurt I didn’t include her name so she could get “friends/followers” and I wanted to terminate her but I understand what she’s doing.

Sometimes when we are rejected, we tell the world we are so much happier without that horrible person in our lives. But we forget that we still wonder why that person hurt us, or why we weren’t good enough. It’s called fishing. Fishing for compliments. Abby knows she is attractive, but at a certain age, it’s easier to pull a muscle than a date. We aren’t in the same environments. In our twenties we are much more social. We are at sporting events, clubs, bars, dating, etc. but in our 40s we tend to settle down. We don’t want to be in bars chasing tail. It’s not easy to balance parenting and partying so when a person finds themselves single after many years, they remember how easy it was when they were single before. Or how things were before they were with the person they are separating from.

The unfortunate thing is, it looks desperate. It’s not sexy, it’s not flirtatious because when you post a photo half-naked in heels to other adults who know you as the business person or mother taking the kids to school. This is something your teens do to flirt with their crush. We don’t like when they do it, and we should only be sending it to the person we are dating at least. With technology, you take a risk. You can always have your identity compromised and photos stolen or taken without consent, but when you use technology, you are at the mercy of whatever company that manages your data. People have their personal information released. Hillary Clinton and her emails. Jennifer Lawrence and her nude photos. It happens but mating calls on social media look desperate but people are kind. Rather than say it looks desperate, they think it and lose respect for you. Not to mention a simple search that reveals this will tell a potential mate that they are potentially getting involved with someone who needs attention and lacks maturity. You are better than this, no one can convince you that you are worthy. Finding self-worth comes from within.

 

*name changed to protect the anonymity of someone who doesn’t wish to be anonymous.

Weight a Minute…

I guess it’s jet lag, but reading an article like this is really confusing. I selfishly don’t care about how another adult treats their body if they have no mental impairment. Tess is aware of her weight and celebrates it. It’s earning her a great living and lots of exposure no pun intended. We are not the number on the scale, we are more than our bodies, burn your bras, blah, blah, blah…

BUuuuut…let’s play devil’s advocate. Would we celebrate this? That’s a rhetorical question, I know we would not praise her and there would be a boycott for any sponsors who dare promote this model because she is a “bad example” for young girls and objectifies women (i.e. Victoria’s Secret).

So, for morons like me, what grants being overweight as a positive role model and women’s empowerment and the underweight as triggering for eating disorders? The articles I’ve read about this woman, refer to her as plus sized, but medically she would be morbidly obese. Of course, you can be obese and healthy but you can’t be underweight and healthy? Some women are genetically or medically thin as are those overweight due to thyroid or genetic disposition.

I’m going to say it, “political correctness.” We assume that thin people don’t see the word skinny as pejorative and it’s to be lauded. But, when you get to know people who are “skinny” and saving to get butt injections, breast implants, etc. to obtain curves, does that not have the same effect as losing weight and obesity?

Why are we not supposed to call a spade a spade? Tess has a beautiful face. She has a great disposition about her body and her supporters are starting a movement called “effyourstandards” to empower overweight women and change the modeling industry. Go team!!

I wonder why Gabourey never got signed to Milk Modeling Agency? They are approximately the same all things equal. Oh, but one is black. Come to think of it, where are the Pacific Islanders since they are usually tall and built big, but are in shape. You mean there’s never been an obese model that was Asian? Why has Tess been such a hit in the modeling industry as if there were never any obese models, wait, “plus sized” available?

Again, could be jet lag or it could be that other women weren’t as persistent. I am intrigued by her success, she is 5’5 or shorter, began modeling later in life and is working steadily. Or, it could be that I read about the new food labeling guidelines and wondered why the push on nutrition? We either think obesity is an epidemic worthy of forcing businesses to comply or we view obesity as fat acceptance. The loser is the small business owners and corporations who have to suffer the cost to remind people what is healthy in bold font. That is the part that annoys me. We police average Jane/John about their eating habits but we mustn’t say anything about obese models or we are “fat shaming.” I can’t keep the guidelines of political correctness since people still refuse to call me black or give me a proper title being that I am English and not African-American. Who can give me a hand African English? How about AfBritish, yeah I prefer black but getting people comfortable rolling that off their tongue in fear of offending me is a struggle.

How did we get to the point that we can’t call a spade a spade. Plus sized is size 4 and above in the modeling world because designers make sample sizes. So a size 26 as a sample size is the new normal? This is more than just a cover of People magazine, this is setting a precedent worldwide. The funny thing is, I read that Ms. Holliday has never dated an overweight male. What about plus sized men?

 

Surviving Social Settings…

Let me start off by saying I come from a very strict background. In my house, there was no “yeah” when called, it was “yes,” or “yes ma’am/sir” but if I weren’t in crisis management, I could open an etiquette class that would be a current day Downton Abbey. Yes, there are families who have rules for supper, place settings, how to eat, how to be excused and the proper way to toast and thinking about it makes me wonder why I didn’t stay at the kids’ table.

I don’t know if it’s the advancement in information technology but some people don’t have social iq’s. There is nothing worse, than politely blowing someone off who doesn’t catch the hint. Once I get the smile that looks like I opened a birthday with no money in it, I’m done. Please excuse yourself because the conversation is at that lull where we rant out of small talk and I don’t want to know more about your job, kids, day, weekend plans, etc. Why don’t these people get the hint when your conversation fades that means we were polite, but not interested in discussing anything that matters unless it’s how we all got suckered into attending a social setting we don’t really want to be at but for networking, business, committment, etc. we are doing our version of shake hands and kiss babies.

Please note: There are some things that are never acceptable to ask when networking. I’m still shocked when people ask me questions like, “How old are you?” Okay, that stopped during the MySpace era with Age/Sex/Location. I’m over 18 so I’m legal and I’m over 21 so if I have a drink I’m also legal, other than that, what’s the point? You are putting me on the spot, not because it’s a secret, but how does this work when you’re among middle-aged people. I remember being asked my age and adding 1/2 because it made me seem older. Or, when it was cool to be able to drive, or my 18th birthday when I registered to vote, bought cigarettes and signed my own check to mark the milestone. I didn’t even smoke. At 21 I was over partying so I think I spent it with friends and never told them it was my birthday since among them I was the youngest but I do recall being such snobs we refused to attend anything that was 18 and over. We were not wanting to look at the color of everyone’s wristband to judge them. Cool kids go to cool clubs.

Another type that annoys me is the person who no matter how softly you speak to them, they are damn near shouting. Okay, you’re telling me background about people here that I don’t know but you’re so loud it’s making people turn and look over and then give me the fake smile that says, “I was just wondering who was shouting, now I see, carry on.” Even when I say “Shh it’s rude to talk about people at a level that they can hear it.” She responds by doing the other annoying thing, “Tony, doesn’t care,” still loud but then shouts, “Hey! Hey Tony do you care if I talk behind your back.” Out of kindness, Tony glances over trying not to be rude to the person he’s conversing with to smile, wave his drink and say, “No, feel free.”

Of course, someone is going to give me a left-handed compliment. You know the, “Beautiful turtleneck. It hides your double chin.” I don’t have one but I always have someone tell me that I look like someone I look nothing like. Do people think they are giving compliments or is it because they want me to be self conscious? I don’t care where I go someone wants to compare me to their ex, some Z list celebrity, a person either twice my age, size or is annoying. Why? I have been many places but I have never looked at another person and said, “$#!*  you look just like me!” It hasn’t happened, if I had to I could not think of anyone I resemble. I can say that having a narrow, petite form and big hair makes me resemble a mop or Q tip, but never seen my doppelgänger.

The sales people are the best. They are the fun ones. They have ego written all over. They will tell you what they do, how amazing their vacation was, who they know that is semi or simply famous. They don’t stop talking. They come up for air, but then they simply elaborate on one of their stories about when they were in Turks and Caicos, or when they had floor seats to a Bulls game when Jordan was playing. I like them because they don’t care about anything you have to say unless it’s to one up you. I play with them just to see how far they will go to one up me.

How to survive? Keep moving! When someone approaches, it’s okay to get the basic intro but when it has the paradigm switch, excuse yourself. “Would you excuse me?” and don’t offer more. For example, “Would you excuse me? I need to go to the restroom.” “Oh good idea, I’ll come with you!” We feel the need to explain but I’ve been dodging people for years. I do whatever I committed to and when it’s not beneficial, I leave. You make your appearance, acquaintance and exit. If you connect with someone, get their business card because discussing in-depth blocks your opportunity to make acquaintance with various people who may have something to offer you. Being socially inept does not mean they have nothing to offer you. They may know a great mechanic, have experience with a company you are interested in, or knowledge about a subject or connection you seek.

The way to avoid discomfort is to politely smile and excuse yourself. Yes it is that simple!

There’s nothing wrong with you!

I’ll be so happy in 48 hours and the semester is over. Working full-time, law school and other responsibilities are killing me.

I was listening to a client and there are times when I don’t understand why people come to me. It’s a blessing that people trust me enough with there problems, but I’m not Tonight, a lovely woman in her 30s or so was troubled because she met someone who seemed perfect on paper, of course there are flaws no one is 100% perfect by I digress. She kept saying,”What’s wrong with me that I’m not interested?” o___O How about, You’re not interested? There doesn’t always have to be a reason. I think we are so used to having other people tell us how we should live, feel, aspire to be etc. that when we stop long enough to realize that we have that thing we are supposed to obtain and we have no emotional attachment something must be wrong.

I never had that, but I do sometimes wonder how life would be if I made other choices. Rather than crisis management, what about a full-time blogger? I would make my career out of writing, sharing, connecting, posting, tweeting, updating and nah. I love writing, but if I am forced to do something it’s work. Amen to those people who blog for a living. I love reading their expertise and use many to make decisions on purchases or get information to assist my daily struggles. I need adrenaline. I enjoy problems because the challenge of how to spin it, motivates me. Not because I want to see someone in turmoil, I rather see if I can help salvage their career, reputation, and help them look within to determine if there is a character defect or if it’s a case of “oops!”

I think for her the idea of being a woman who wanted to be a bachelorette was intimidating. Her family is first generation Italian and family is a big thing. She was always independent, loves kids, but doesn’t want to have them and enjoys dating and having her freedom. I can’t find a reason to tell her to “fix” that and look for something in her past that may have lead her to feel this way. Why? There doesn’t have to be a reason to be who you are. When you try to do things because that is what you think you are supposed to do or to get people to leave you alone, is when I say, “I would rethink the reason you’re considering this.” We don’t owe anyone reasons for why we want to live the way we do. If you aren’t breaking laws, hurting others or yourself and you are content coming home to just you and your books, television, stereo, etc. then so be it.

I know it’s hard to be firm with people because some people either want you to be as miserable as they are, have a problem accepting you don’t need their advice, and that you can be happy living life the way you please. Trust me, not every person who has children are happy. Out of guilt, they may say they love their family but in the back of their mind, they wonder how things would be if they didn’t have kids. When someone asks, “Do you regret not having children?” simply say, “No, do you regret having them?” and compare notes. If someone is asking you about kids, is it because they think children bring happiness? If so, that’s the wrong motive for having a child. One should be happy and feel they have something to offer a child and want to love that child regardless of how it develops. If it’s healthy, developmentally disabled, has a rebellious stage or is homosexual. There are no guarantees.

Today my father went on about his age and when he’s gone … I told him, there are people much younger than him that never lived to see their 21st birthday. There is no rule that says children will outlive their parents. Great parents can have a sociopath son or daughter and rather than accept it, they will wonder what they did wrong. I wish more of my peers looked at raising a child as a big responsibility that isn’t simply 18 years, you are going to be a part of that child and their children and so on. I commend people who can do that, they have my utmost respect, but I know I am not in that space and by age 30 something, the statistics lean toward problem pregnancy so it can’t be selfish on my part.

What do you think? Are we supposed to want the marriage and kids? Is it as fulfilling as they say? I want to know your opinion!